Defining my own success

I had always intended to breastfeed my children at least a year, if not longer. In fact, I was one of those women who didn't understand why anyone would NOT breastfeed. I considered myself a lactivist. I took a breastfeeding class at the hospital and read tons of books and websites to try to prepare. I got my husband on board, bought a pump, nursing bras and breast pads. I was 100% committed to feeding my baby in the most natural way possible.
 

My perfect girl, Katelyn, moments after birth

Then my beautiful daughter was born. I started breastfeeding her moments after birth. She latched on like a champ, and I spent the next 24 hours waking her every couple of hours to nurse. We only stayed at the hospital for one night and a young nurse made a mistake when testing her bilirubin levels before discharge and consequently, we didn't know how severely jaundiced she was. 

Four days later after several trips to see a lactation consultant, my milk hadn't come in, and baby girl had lost a full pound.  She was so jaundiced that she had to be readmitted for light treatment. It was the scariest two days of my life. She bounced back right away. While she was in the NICU, I pumped and pumped and pumped, only getting a half ounce at a time.  After she came home again, I kept seeing the lactation consultant and she recommended a supplemental nursing system or SNS, basically a bottle with a tube that I could use to supplement breast feeding with formula. I hated buying that first canister of formula. It felt so wrong, but at the same time, I needed to feed my baby.

Sleepy girl

Each breastfeeding session took about an hour, filling the SNS, getting her to latch, inserting the tiny tube, feeding her and then switching sides and doing the same thing.  After each feeding, I pumped for at least 15-20 minutes.  I also took several herbal supplements and a prescription drug called Domperidone that I paid a couple of hundred dollars for each month's supply from a compounding pharmacy.  My midwife would only prescribe 2 months.  I kept trying to build my supply.  I ate all of the things that are known to boost supply - oatmeal, flax, brewer's yeast, drank my weight in water, tried to get plenty of rest, nursed my girl 24/7 and pumped 12 times a day as well.  It seemed like my supply issues could not be overcome, and I was driving myself crazy trying.

Daddy gets to nurse, too!

Eventually, when I had to stop taking the Domperidone, my supply diminished greatly.  Then, I got plugged ducts and mastitis.  I spent so many nights crying over what was, or was not, coming out of my breasts and got very little sleep.  And for those readers who have never pumped before, it is really dehumanizing.  I hated every minute.  Especially since my breasts didn't respond well to the pump, and I never got more than a couple of ounces. I was miserable.  And it never occurred to me that it was okay to BOTH feed my baby breast milk and formula. I had always heard my friends say they breast fed EXCLUSIVELY, as if it was a badge of honor. And, don't get me wrong, I think breastfeeding is awesome. 

Beautiful girl!

So, when faced with a life of being hooked to a baby and a pump 24/7 and feeling like crap, I decided to stop breast feeding my daughter. It was a decision I agonized over. I remember calling my one friend who formula fed and talking to her at length about it. I had judged her so harshly when I found out she was not breast feeding and here I was, making the same choice. Luckily, she was completely supportive and loving. I wish I could say the same for my breastfeeding friends.

I always assumed that I didn't try hard enough, wasn't committed enough and failed at breastfeeding.  I felt a lot of guilt for a long time. I dreaded the questions I got from my friends, co-workers and even strangers about how I was feeding her. But she grew, thrived and was happy and healthy, despite only getting breast milk for the first couple of months of her life.  3.5 years later...all of those emotions and disappointments feel a world away.

My perfect boy!

My beautiful son was born in October. I had pre-eclampsia and had to be induced at 37 weeks. My big boy was already 8 lbs. He latched well, but because he was early, they started me pumping after every feeding in the hospital. We stayed two nights and when he started losing weight and had high bilirubin, we knew what we were dealing with. We were able to treat his jaundice at home with a bililight, and our doctor had us start supplementing with formula. We were using an SNS and pumping after every feeding, too. It felt like deja vu. This time I was even more committed to nurse my child. When he was five days old, I went to see a lactation consultant and a physician who specializes in breast feeding. They watched me feed my son and confirmed that he had no problem latching. But, when they weighed him before and after, he had hardly taken anything. They instructed me to focus on feeding the baby and not stress about how I was feeding him (bless them) and sent me home with instructions to continue supplementing with an SNS and pump after every feeding.  

Ian breastfeeding!

I came back for a follow up a couple of days later. Ian had gained weight! Yay! But when they weighed him before and after feeding, he still only got a very small amount of breast milk. The doctor listened to my story, asked me some questions, examined my breasts and then showed me a journal article that reported research regarding breast hypoplasia. Breast hypoplasia: I had never heard of this condition before this moment. Apparently, when my breasts developed during puberty, they didn't develop enough glandular tissue to eventually produce enough breast milk. There's no way to really predict who might have this. My breasts don't look like the pictures online. I don't have many of the associated conditions - PCOS, infertility, etc. But, after learning more, I felt so relieved. I didn't fail, my body failed me. I was committed to doing what I could, but armed with the knowledge that I might not be able to breastfeed exclusively, I felt so much pressure lifted from my shoulders.

In the next few weeks, I battled postpartum depression, thrush (cracked nipples, anyone?) and learned to accept myself and forgive myself for the things beyond my control. When I was diagnosed with breast hypoplasia or insufficient glandular tissue, the doctor suggested that I re-define what I considered breastfeeding success. For me, that success has been breastfeeding my son at every feeding and pumping during the day at work. Even though my son only gets about 1/4 to 1/3 of his meal from me, now at 4.5 months, he is still nursing. 

Beautiful Boy!

I don't know how long I will breast feed Ian. I consider myself successful already. My message for all of you moms out there who have struggled with supply - you are not alone and breastfeeding is not an all or nothing option. Get support, define your own success and feed your baby - at the breast, with an SNS, with a bottle, with pumped breast milk, with formula or with any combination of the above. The most important part is that she or he is fed, loved and nourished.  

Feel free to share this blog with anyone you may know who needs to hear this.