Those of you who know my family in real life, have probably seen Katelyn's impressive head of hair. Silken curls and waves of gold. She used to have red hair, but now it is more a golden blond. I love her hair. Probably too much. Emotionally invested in it the way I used to be in my own waist length locks. We have found that the best way to care for her hair is to wash it no more than once per week, use coconut oil in her bath water, spray it with diluted apple cider vinegar to de-tangle and braid it at night or else. The "or else" = massive mats and impossible tangles, which I know hurt to comb out.
Sorry mom, I remember how much it hurt to have my hair brushed as a child. I don't want to hurt her! It literally makes my heart hurt to hear her cry.
We use a bamboo brush from the Body Shop, as it is the least likely to get caught in her hair. With all of these measures in place, we still have rough mornings. No matter what tools we use, how slow we go or how gentle we are, she cries and screams and won't sit still. I don't blame her. I remember how much this hurts. Sometimes I think that she is adding a bit of dramatic flare, though.
A few months ago we broke down and cut bangs. She was sucking on her hair and it was getting completely tangled and unruly. Think Hermione from Harry Potter. She loved her trip to the salon. We have contemplated getting her hair cut short.
This morning was one of the roughest so far. So, being a huge believer in bodily autonomy, I asked Katelyn: "Would you like to get your hair cut shorter?" Much to my surprise, she started to cry.She said: "But mommy, I don't want to be a boy. Short hair is for boys."
Where did she learn this? We don't speak about gender a lot at home, unless we are describing anatomy--explaining why Ian has a penis and Katelyn has a vulva or why daddy can't carry a baby in his uterus because he doesn't have one. I have short hair, so does Katelyn's grandma, aunt Amy, etc. and many men we know have long hair, including her Uncle Ken. We also don't follow many traditional gender roles in our home. My husband was a stay at home dad at one time and holds a position in a primarily female field. In turn, I hold a position in a primarily male field and have been our family's breadwinner.
I responded - "That's not true. Both boys and girls can have long hair or short hair, but we won't cut your hair if you don't want to."
I went on to ask her why she thinks that. She looked so confused. "Because. I can't - I am a girl."
I asked her who told her that and she had no response and again, looked at me like I was a combination of stupid and crazy.
This made my heart hurt. I don't want anyone telling my kid that she can't do something because she is a girl, even if it is only getting her hair cut.
I am sure she heard about this at preschool and this is only the beginning. I know that she will encounter people from all over the world, with all sorts of beliefs about gender roles and what's "proper". I can't control what other people tell her, and I certainly can't stop our culture from reaching her with its terrible messages about what it means to be a girl. I am sure if many of the parents of her classmates knew about the conversations we had in our home or our philosophy regarding gender roles, they wouldn't want their kids to play with mine.
What I can do is reinforce positive messages about being a girl and a woman. Being a girl fucking rocks! (Yes, I said fucking, and I don't care if you don't think it's proper). And being a girl doesn't mean that you have to look, do things or act "like a girl" to rock at being a girl.
I think being a boy, also probably fucking rocks, although I don't have any direct experience in that regard. But that doesn't mean you have to be a walking stereotype to rock at being a boy.
It bothers me when people tell girls - "you can't...get dirty, cut your hair, like bugs, play a sport...because you are a girl." Or "don't be a girl!" when someone is acting scared or doesn't want to do something scary.
It also bothers me when people say - "you can't...paint your nails, wear a skirt, cry, like dolls...because you are a boy". Or "he's just being a boy" when a male child acts violent or destructive or is covered in mud.
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| My son is wearing a "girl's" shirt |
No matter what path my son or daughter chooses - short hair, a career in research science, becoming a hockey player...or playing with dolls, taking ballet and becoming a stay at home parent, I will love and support them (I do want them to be able to support themselves financially, too, but that is another blog).
For those critics who say that letting my son wear a dress or paint his nails will result in him being beaten up or bullied, I ask: "Shouldn't I be a part of changing our culture, instead of reinforcing that these things are wrong?" I plan to teach both of my children how to resolve conflict and how to respond to bullies, including when to involve an adult, but I will not tell them not to do something because of their sex or gender.
And if I hear one more person say - "you wouldn't understand, you are not a man, or worse, you are just a girl," I may just kick them in the area that makes them one.
