Why My Kids ARE the Center of My World - a Response to a Young Mother

Today, a friend on Facebook shared a blog from a young mother to two preschool-aged boys. She believes very strongly that her kids are not and should not be the center of her world. Her logic? They can't play guns at school and there are strict rules against bullying. She thinks this is bad. The cause? Kids these days aren't tough enough. Why? Their parents obviously coddle them. You can read her full blog here.

After I got over being angry and quite frankly, feeling sorry for her, I decided to write a response:

1. To outline the flaws in her logic, aided by quite a few leaps and emotional appeals to her audience, and
2. To respond to the idea that our children, especially very young children need to toughen up and be left on their own in order to become self-sufficient adults.

Full disclosure: I am a mom to two beautiful children. They, along with my husband, ARE the center of my world. I pride myself in following an attachment parenting philosophy. What's that? Well, since you asked and since there are many misconceptions about it, here goes: For me, attachment parenting is simply raising my kids with kindness, respect and dignity and modeling in my interactions with them the way I'd like them to interact with others. It's pretty simple. I don't spank and try not to yell at my kids, because I don't want them to resolve conflict with violence and yelling. We practice positive discipline - we model appropriate behavior, redirect and if necessary take some time to let our daughter calm down so we can get back to the fun stuff. Our son is still a baby, so no discipline for him. We aren't permissive, we set boundaries and try to give our kids the tools and support they need to be decent human beings within those boundaries. We also treat them like human beings who deserve love, respect and guidance. We don't expect obedience. What a strange thing to desire. I want our kids to learn to be independent, caring people because they want to be.

So, please take my philosophy into consideration when reading my response to Ms. Metz.

Her post starts off with a story - about how her young son chose not to take a toy to school because it looked like a gun, and he didn't want to get in trouble. Let's stop here.

If I were her, I would have told my son - "Hey, that was a good choice you just made. Way to go!" As a mother to a four and a half year old, I know how hard it is for a kid to shift gears. But instead of reinforcing critical thinking and decision making skills, this young mom got pissed. So pissed that she actually questioned the wisdom of bringing her boys into this world at all. What?! Did zombie apocalypse happen while I was sleeping? What about this world is so terrible that she would even think such a thing?

Boys can't be boys anymore.

I had to sort of laugh at the drama here. Seriously? First of all, there is not one way for boys to be. Some boys like guns and roughhousing, others like to dance, others are quiet and like to read, and yet others like to play with dolls. I really hope that this young mom opens her mind to the possibility that it's okay for her boys to not be a stereotype. Also, I hope that she offers support and love if her kids don't fall in line with her expectations or even worse, end up being bullied or bullies.

Then she goes on to talk about this nauseating world we live in. One where her poor boys can't pretend to shoot and kill other students at school. She openly mocks a teen girl contemplating suicide and expresses sadness that the poor children who call names and harass other students get labeled as bullies unfairly.

Again, seriously? Do you know why schools establish rules against violence and guns? Because children have died at the hands of other children in school shootings. Also, research has shown that playing with toy guns is positively associated with a higher level of aggression...not just on the playground during the game, but later in real life (Watson, M. W., & Peng, Y. 1994).

The world we live in has changed, but not in the way she thinks. Increased gun violence, more school shootings and technology that allows bullying to go viral are just a few examples. She doesn't really acknowledge those current events - school shootings and teen and child suicides - that have caused school policies to change or bullying to be redefined. She doesn't acknowledge how the parents of those children might feel. Instead, she is way more focused on her nostalgia for the good old days:

Many years ago, there was a time where young boys could run around with their toy guns, killing the bad guys.  You could take the toy guns away from the little boys, and they'd find something else around them - a stick, their fingers, etc -  and pretend it was a gun. 

This is a perfect example of a fallacy known as an "appeal to antiquity", which assumes that older ideas are better, that the fact that an idea has been around for a while implies that it is true. This, of course, is not the case; old ideas can be bad ideas, and new ideas can be good ideas. Times change. Events happen that cause us to change our hearts and minds. We evolve as a society. We learn more about how to prevent horrible things from happening. We might even change a policy or two in response.

She goes on with this gem:

Modern parenting and thinking makes me crazy.  The young generations of today (yes, I sound old.  I realize I'm only 29 years old.) are being taught that they shouldn't have to ever put up with anything doesn't make their hearts feel like rainbow colored unicorns are running around pooping skittles onto piles of marshmallows.

Because I want to focus on the facts, I will ignore her grammar. Here, she makes a wild leap. She states, as a fact, that this is what parents are teaching their children. This is a widely used tactic on Fox News. She has fallen prey to the classic fallacy of the straw man. One way to make your argument appear stronger is to set up a weak version of your opponent’s position and knock it down. But unfortunately, when you do this, you aren't proving more than that you can attack a weak argument - not impressive or effective.

Modern parenting is creating a generation that's not going to be able to function in society.

 

Okay...I have a few questions - where's your proof? Can you predict the future? How do you know what society is going to look like in your children's future? Remember that study I referenced above about aggression? Isn't it possible that the good old days - you know, the ones where kids could kill each other on the playground - created a present society that is violent. What kind of technology will our kids use as adults? I grew up without the Internet (thank goodness), so I just had kids tease and beat me up in the locker room at school, not post pictures of me on the internet with words like whore and slut as the headline. 

Your child, who you cater to every need, who you shelter from all things "evil."  How will this child react when he or she grows into adulthood?  "Debbie" graduates from high school and goes to college.  She writes her first paper and meets with her professor about that paper and the professor tells her that it's junk and it will get a failing grade.  How will Debbie cope with that if she's always been made to feel that no one should ever make her feel sad, or criticize anything she does?

How does not letting kids play with guns or get bullied equal not teaching our kids that they have to work hard or accept criticism? This is not only irrelevant, but it is a weak analogy. I will certainly shelter my kids from all things evil. That does not mean I will shelter them from the world. I will send them into the world knowing I love and support them and with the tools to manage conflict, but I always want them to know that they can come to me if someone is hurting them or they need help and not fear my response.

I certainly hope that the title of this blog post is starting to make sense.  Parents who make their children the center of their universe are not doing anyone any favors.  Obviously, as parents, we love our children more than anything.  But dropping everything to cater to their every need is only going to lead to a very rude awakening once they enter the real world.

Sorry, nope. You aren't making sense. It's our job as parents to care for our young children and help shape them into independent kids and later adults who have critical thinking skills. Part of that is being responsive to their needs. Our parenting of high schoolers will be vastly different than our parenting of preschoolers. Why? Because they are at different stages in their cognitive and social development. Your argument implies that it is better to drop your kids in the deep end when they are young to teach them to swim than it is to jump in the water with them, hold them up and show them a few strokes. I am just not buying it. Particularly from someone who hasn't been a parent for very long. There will be plenty of time for my kids to learn life lessons and cruel realities. For now, I will protect them and shelter them, not in a bubble, but in them knowing they can trust me, knowing that they are safe and being able to just be kids. Preschool is not the time to learn that the world is shitty. It's just not.  

We follow the rules and don't take toy guns or weapons to daycare.  But I'll be darned if my boys aren't allowed to be little boys when they're at home.  They have several toy guns and it's constantly a good guy vs. bad guy battle in my house.  I feel like this teaches them to do the things they want to do, while respecting other's rules and regulations.  It also teaches them that there are differing opinions about things in this world and that's ok.  We can like and believe in the things we want, while respecting that others may not agree with us. 

 

You aren't actually teaching your kids about diversity here. You missed a great teachable moment, one about why the school has those rules, about kindness, about the world. You aren't creating more worldly children. You are creating children who think that they way they do it at home is right and the rules at school aren't important enough for their parents to practice them or worse, are so wrong that they call them stupid.

My children are all but ignored when they ask for something without using manners.  They understand that when someone addresses or speaks to them, they are to speak back.

How are you teaching independence when you expect obedience? Yes, using manners is nice, but it isn't everything and it isn't possible 100% of the time for a two year old. I wonder what the consequences are if your child doesn't respond when someone speaks to them. You have created obedient children, but is that really a great end goal? Will those children speak out when they see injustice? Will they dare to be different or innovative? Will they tolerate abuse? Will they say no if someone wants them to do something that they don't want to do?

I know of two gentleman who will be hurt emotionally, but who will be able to work through the hurt and carry on with life.  I will cushion the emotional fall as much as a mom can, but I will not completely prevent it from happening. They will not expect whoever hurt them to be punished.  Heck, I might even teach my children the power of forgiveness.   

I think I understand what she is getting at. But while it would be impossible to prevent all bad things from happening to my daughter and son, if I can, then I will try. They are 4 and 1 year old! Now is not the time to expect them to leave the nest and face the harsh realities of the world.

 

Why shouldn't we expect those who hurt us to be punished? What kind of message is that? That those who harm others should face no repercussions. That is not a wise lesson about consequences. I will not teach my kids to be punching bags or victims. 

 

And forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness is powerful, but also personal. I won't force my kids to forgive unless that is something they decide to do.

 

Ms. Metz is not encouraging independence and free thought in her sons. I sincerely hope that she realizes that the real things that are ruining the world are far more harsh than school rules about toy guns and anti-bullying policies. These rules were created in response to a different world than the one she grew up in. One that her boys will need different skills to navigate.  

 

When my kids need me to help them work through problems, I will be there, because that is how children learn to problem solve and that is my job as their mom. But for now, honestly, I kind of hope my children's lives are still filled with rainbows and unicorns that poop skittles into piles of marshmallows.    

 

Watson, M. W., & Peng, Y. The relation between toy gun play and children's aggressive behavior. Early Education and Development, 3 (4), 370-389.