Letter to Myself, to Everyone

There is a song by Alanis Morissette called That I Would be Good. The narrator sings about her hopes. Her hopes that she will be "good" even if she does nothing, gets sick, gains weight, goes bankrupt, grows old, gets overwhelmed, gets angry, goes insane, loses her love...you get the point. Her song really resonates with me. I am constantly telling other people that they are good, regardless of their perceived faults (gaining or not losing weight, missing a work-out, breastfeeding issues, getting angry and losing it, making mistakes) while at the same time being a total hypocrite and beating myself up over the same things that are presumably not determinants of whether or not I am a "good" person.

Today I told my friend who is in training to be a lactation consultant that I had to stop breastfeeding my son. Without missing a beat she said, "Good work, mama!" I actually cried. And I thought to myself that no one in my life had said those words to me. People have either ignored it, because they disapprove, expressed condolences because they know I am disappointed or ask why I didn't just switch to formula sooner. That I breastfed my kids as long as I could is awesome. That I had to stop does not make that less awesome.

She went on to say - "How come if a mom has glasses, nobody judges her for not using her eyes properly, but if she has a hard time nursing and isn't able to nurse the "optimal" length of time, we all want to tell her how her *behavior* or *mental state* was the problem? Guess what, people, boobs don't necessarily work perfectly any more than any other body part does." 

I had never thought about it that way. But, she is right. And I am so glad that someone like her is going to help women breastfeed!

And breastfeeding and parenthood are only some of the ways I beat myself up. My weight, my hair, my skin, my temper, my bra size, my stretch marks, etc. I spend so much of my life thinking that these arbitrary measures of "good" really matter. They really don't. So here's my letter, to myself and everyone really.

Dear Badass Warrior Goddess,  

Can I just say how much you rock? Because, you do!

You have grown two human beings in that body you frequently hate. You grew humans. That is fucking badass. So cut yourself some slack on losing the "baby weight" and stop hating your new shape. Throw away your scale or break it with a baseball bat. Bask in how amazing you are and how amazing your body is. Teach your children to do the same by example.

And you are raising your kids to be kind. And confident. And to love themselves. And have dance parties in the living room. And bake cookies. And do for themselves. And think for themselves. You have an awesome approach to parenting and your kids are thriving. Fuck yeah.

 

You are strong. Your body can do things that you never imagined and your resolve and inner strength are amazing. You have endured and not just survived, but thrived, when faced with challenges. And, you are constantly looking for the next mountain to climb and do things that terrify you. Whether you know it or not, that is pretty awesome.

 

You are kind. You spend every day building people up, providing support and helping others grow. You always have something nice to say to someone when they are having a hard time, even if you don't like them personally. It's time to start saying nice things to yourself, too. 

You are awesome at your job. And should know that someday your daughter may be inspired by that - inspired to choose a nontraditional path - and she won't feel limited by her gender, but empowered because of the example that you set for her. You are a warrior. You fight for what you believe in and for what's right and work to make positive change at home, at work, in your community and in the world. You are teaching your kids to do the same.

You are funny. Your sense of humor, while dry and sarcastic, doesn't only help you get through the day, but it also does the same for others.

You are a good partner. You have been married for almost nine years and have weathered a lot of storms together. That's awesome. Go you.

Finally, you ARE good and good enough, no matter what. 

You are actually better than good. You are awesome, strong, badass, kind, funny, a great manager, a great cook and the most important person in at least three people's lives. Tell yourself that every day.

Love you,

Self

Work-Life Balance Beam

Disclaimer: This post is entirely intended to represent my perspective on being a working mom. I don't speak for all working moms, nor do I intend to disparage stay at home moms, who I deeply respect.

Adorableness

I am a full time working mom, a.k.a. a WOHM (internet acronym for work outside of the home mom), a career woman or in some people's minds - a feminazi who shouldn't have had children if I didn't intend to raise them myself. I am not being hyperbolic - I have actually been told this.

It has always bothered me that women who work outside of the home have to explain their situation or rationale for doing so frequently to almost everyone they encounter - from the family members to coworkers to the baby's doctor to people on the street: 

"So, will you be staying home? Oh, *with suprise* you'll be returning to work? Part time? Oh, full time? So you'll have a nanny, right? Oh, you're sending him to day care? *pause* Well, that's one way to develop a strong immune system."  

Silly Girl

Don't get me wrong, I am sure stay at home parents find themselves justifying their decisions, too. I have even caught myself thinking the really condescending: "must be nice to be able to afford to stay home" when someone has told me they are a stay at home parent. The thing is, I don't want to stay home full time. I wish that maternity leave was six months to a year, and I love the time that I spend with my children, but I think staying home full time would not fulfill me as a person.  


I also don't get why people don't ask fathers why they aren't staying home or act surprised when they report that they work full time or act equally surprised when they discover that a father is a stay at home parent...but I digress.  

My top five reasons why I love being a working mom

Snow Angel

Art projects

1. Quality over Quantity - Like many parents, I think every moment with my kids is precious and for me. This is especially true for work days. From the early AM snuggles to nursing my son or reading a story to my daughter at lunch to play time, dinner and bed time and even late night visits to my bed. I really love spending time with my kids. I think back to those days during the holiday break when I spent all day, 24-7 with my two kids. By the time my husband arrived home, I wanted to hand him the baby and either cook a meal, go for a run or, at the very least, pee by myself. A friend once told me that she was a better mom for working outside the home and now that I am a mom, I totally agree with her.

2. Accomplishment - It gives me a sense of accomplishment to work and to do be awesome at my job. Maybe I am selfish, but I worked hard for my degrees and position, and despite the occasional terrible day at work, I like doing my job. I also like interacting with adults each day and building and maintaining an identity that is not solely "mom". 

Babywearing

3. Income - With my job and earning potential, it wouldn't make sense for us financially for me to stay home.  And with two incomes in the mix, we can afford to do things with our kids that we wouldn't be able to otherwise and maintain a fairly high standard of living - owning a home (well two homes right now, but that's another story), having two hybrid cars, being able to afford to buy organic and join a CSA, go on vacation, buy lots of cloth diapers and baby carriers and send our kids to gymnastics and swimming lessons, etc. With only one income, we wouldn't be able to afford to do those things, or we'd have to sacrifice to get there. 

4. Me time and the ability to focus - For the most part, if I am having a busy or hectic day at work, I can shut my office door, buckle down and get my project done. When I am at home and have a lot of projects to complete, I don't have that luxury, and since my daughter thinks the vacuum is a scary alien and my son seems to poop whenever we have some place important to go, everything takes hours longer to complete than it should.

Play time

5. The best of both worlds - When Katelyn was a baby, I had the flexibility to work 4 - 10 hour shifts and work from home two days a week. Now, I can work from home occasionally, and I have both flexibility and proximity to my children's day care to visit them over the lunch hour (to nurse my son and have lunch with my daughter or read her a story). I have elected to work 7:30 - 4:00, so I have ample daylight hours to hang out with my kids in the evening. At the same time, I have a job that, for the most part, allows me to work when I am there and leave my work at work. Some days, I feel like I can do it all - have good quality time with my kids, be effective at my job, keep the house relatively clean, have at least one cooking or crafting project going every week, and work out every day. Some days, not so much. But they really are few and far between. I couldn't do this without my awesome partner and workplace flexibility - two things for which I am really grateful.

I am not saying it's not hard and many days I feel guilty - I firmly believe that guilt comes with being a mom. But, I hope to show my kids, especially my daughter, that women can be bread-winners and that gender roles don't have to be the norm. 

And to the naysayers, I say: I am woman, hear me roar.