Letter to Myself, to Everyone

There is a song by Alanis Morissette called That I Would be Good. The narrator sings about her hopes. Her hopes that she will be "good" even if she does nothing, gets sick, gains weight, goes bankrupt, grows old, gets overwhelmed, gets angry, goes insane, loses her love...you get the point. Her song really resonates with me. I am constantly telling other people that they are good, regardless of their perceived faults (gaining or not losing weight, missing a work-out, breastfeeding issues, getting angry and losing it, making mistakes) while at the same time being a total hypocrite and beating myself up over the same things that are presumably not determinants of whether or not I am a "good" person.

Today I told my friend who is in training to be a lactation consultant that I had to stop breastfeeding my son. Without missing a beat she said, "Good work, mama!" I actually cried. And I thought to myself that no one in my life had said those words to me. People have either ignored it, because they disapprove, expressed condolences because they know I am disappointed or ask why I didn't just switch to formula sooner. That I breastfed my kids as long as I could is awesome. That I had to stop does not make that less awesome.

She went on to say - "How come if a mom has glasses, nobody judges her for not using her eyes properly, but if she has a hard time nursing and isn't able to nurse the "optimal" length of time, we all want to tell her how her *behavior* or *mental state* was the problem? Guess what, people, boobs don't necessarily work perfectly any more than any other body part does." 

I had never thought about it that way. But, she is right. And I am so glad that someone like her is going to help women breastfeed!

And breastfeeding and parenthood are only some of the ways I beat myself up. My weight, my hair, my skin, my temper, my bra size, my stretch marks, etc. I spend so much of my life thinking that these arbitrary measures of "good" really matter. They really don't. So here's my letter, to myself and everyone really.

Dear Badass Warrior Goddess,  

Can I just say how much you rock? Because, you do!

You have grown two human beings in that body you frequently hate. You grew humans. That is fucking badass. So cut yourself some slack on losing the "baby weight" and stop hating your new shape. Throw away your scale or break it with a baseball bat. Bask in how amazing you are and how amazing your body is. Teach your children to do the same by example.

And you are raising your kids to be kind. And confident. And to love themselves. And have dance parties in the living room. And bake cookies. And do for themselves. And think for themselves. You have an awesome approach to parenting and your kids are thriving. Fuck yeah.

 

You are strong. Your body can do things that you never imagined and your resolve and inner strength are amazing. You have endured and not just survived, but thrived, when faced with challenges. And, you are constantly looking for the next mountain to climb and do things that terrify you. Whether you know it or not, that is pretty awesome.

 

You are kind. You spend every day building people up, providing support and helping others grow. You always have something nice to say to someone when they are having a hard time, even if you don't like them personally. It's time to start saying nice things to yourself, too. 

You are awesome at your job. And should know that someday your daughter may be inspired by that - inspired to choose a nontraditional path - and she won't feel limited by her gender, but empowered because of the example that you set for her. You are a warrior. You fight for what you believe in and for what's right and work to make positive change at home, at work, in your community and in the world. You are teaching your kids to do the same.

You are funny. Your sense of humor, while dry and sarcastic, doesn't only help you get through the day, but it also does the same for others.

You are a good partner. You have been married for almost nine years and have weathered a lot of storms together. That's awesome. Go you.

Finally, you ARE good and good enough, no matter what. 

You are actually better than good. You are awesome, strong, badass, kind, funny, a great manager, a great cook and the most important person in at least three people's lives. Tell yourself that every day.

Love you,

Self

You say you want a revolution?

Nearly every day someone asks me to explain the so-called "War on Women". Usually in the context of an internet debate and often someone who has the privilege of being a white, male, well-off Christian, but I digress.

Well, first off, there's nothing "so called" about it. I am of the belief that this war has always been around. A cold war, pervasive in our culture, even when most people didn't realize it or acknowledge it and when many of us (women) didn't mind or didn't notice that we and our daughters were casualties. The thing about culture is that unless you willfully ignore what you've always known to be true, it wins. 

To go against the grain takes courage and quite honestly, never occurs to most people until they are in a situation where they have been abused, need help or recognize evil or wrongdoing. And when the majority looks down on you, demonizes you and even threatens to imprison you or harm you and yours for doing so, it takes a uniquely strong person to step outside of the box and say - "Hey, that's not right." And even if you are that person, it takes political clout to do something about it. 

I know the "War on Women" is real because of.... 

1. Anti-Choice Extremism - Between 1995 and 2012, states enacted 755 anti-choice measures. This number doesn't include the many bills passed in 2013 and it also doesn't include those that were introduced, but didn't pass. This number has risen from 18 in 1995 to 42 in 2012. These measures include everything from restrictions on gestational age to mandates that non-essential medical procedures be performed on women against their will to allowing/making physicians present false information to women regarding risks to outright abortion bans and personhood bills.

Cumulative Number of Anti-Choice Measures Enacted Since 1995, NARAL Prochoice America 

WTF? Abortion is a legal medical procedure. Even if you aren't pro-choice, I hope that you consider that our mostly male legislators are passing bills restricting a procedure that only women can undergo, including those that allow and/or force physicians to lie to women. The premise behind these bills is generally that the value of an embryo or fetus is greater than the value of a woman or girl, even if that fetus has no chance of survival and even if that woman or girl will die if she carries the pregnancy to term. Think about that.

And, as if restricting abortion wasn't bad enough, several of these pieces of legislation also have the potential to restrict birth control. Based on junk science and religious rhetoric, birth control is being mislabeled as abortion left and right. Talk about counterproductive. If anti-choice extremists really wanted to end abortion, they would work to improve the status of women and girls in our country and provide evidence-based sex education and access to preventive health care to everyone. Instead, they've demonized women. Shame is a powerful weapon in this war. 

2. Rape Culture - Rape culture is so pervasive in our country that people don't even realize that they are a part of it. From rape jokes, to movies featuring young men seeking to have sex with drunk, passed out girls, to the many cases of rape survivors being required to justify their every decision up to, during and after their rapes to prove they were not, in fact, to blame for their attacks. One out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (including the woman writing this post), and 90% of rape victims are women and girls (RAINN). Rapes are often not reported and rape victims are joked about, demonized and attacked in the media. Rape is not only common, it's become casual and that's wrong.

3. Pay inequity - At the time of this writing, the wage gap between men and women who work the same jobs is appalling - about 77 to 80 cents on the dollar depending on the measure. It is shocking that 50 years after enactment of the Equal Pay Act, the nation still faces gender wage disparities. Why is this and what can we do about it? Should women just accept this as fact and feel lucky that we are able to work at all?

Employment and median usual weekly earnings of women and women's earnings as percent of men's, by industry, 2009

Industry	Total employed	Median weekly earnings	Women's earnings as percent of men's
Total, 16 years and over	44,712,000	$657	80.2
Agriculture and related industries	162,000	413	84.6
Mining, quarrying, and oil and gas extraction	87,000	873	79.7
Construction	568,000	696	92.2
Manufacturing	3,467,000	618	73.8
Wholesale and retail trade	5,268,000	523	76.0
Transportation and utilities	1,242,000	685	78.6
Information	1,015,000	756	75.8
Financial activities	4,126,000	732	70.5
Professional and business services	4,080,000	744	76.6
Education and health services	17,133,000	717	77.0
Leisure and hospitality	3,027,000	421	83.5
Other services	1,703,000	503	72.2
Public administration	2,834,000	783	78.5

These data are featured in the TED article, Women's earnings and employment by industry, 2009

When I was an undergraduate, I studied the connection between income inequality (the Gini Coefficient) and international conflict (war, tribal conflict and coup d'etat). Not surprisingly, countries with greater income inequality (a larger gap between the rich and the poor) had more conflict, when I controlled for Gross Domestic Product (overall income level), level of democracy, religious freedom, freedom of the press and type of government. I wonder if the time will come when American women realize that they are under attack and stage our own coup?

4. Decision makers (for the most part) are male - I say this hoping that this will improve, and quickly, while we still have some rights left to protect. In 2013, 98 women serve in the US Congress (78 - House, 20 - Senate), which seems like a lot until you consider that this only represents 18.3% of the 535 seats. State and local elected positions feature more women. There are five female governors and 24.2% of all state legislature seats are held by women. This is one area where we have made progress, but as we look at the above statistics regarding anti-choice legislation and pay equity, one should reflect on how the status of women and girls might improve if our representatives in positions of power actually looked like we did. Even more dismal is the fact that only 21 CEOs of the Fortune 500 are women. Again, let's think about that in relation to pay equity, family friendly policies and insurance coverage for maternity leave.


5. Disney Princesses - Now before anyone rips me for equating princesses with rape and abortion laws, please know that even my daughter has gone through a princess phase. Hear me out. Our culture, with princesses as a vehicle for this message, stresses that a girl's main value is how pretty she is (so she can someday attract a prince, of course). Not that there's anything wrong with being pretty or wanting to be pretty, but often, this quality is juxtaposed against other qualities that we value in boys - strength, intelligence, success. In our culture, women can't really be smart, strong and beautiful...or at least the media tells us we can't be. Consider the Bechdel Test: for a film to pass the test, (1) it has to have at least two women in it, who (2) who talk to each other, about (3) something besides a man. So few films actually pass that it is startling. When you start thinking about how many media messages reach our ears, eyes, brains and hearts each day, it's no wonder that many of us grow up with self-doubt, confusion and a desire to reach an unattainable status - as a princess - if you will. The next time you read a book, watch a film or even look at an ad, reflect on what message it might be sending to a young mind. My four year old daughter commented to me the other day that she wasn't beautiful. She is actually quite conventionally beautiful, but her tone and desperation at the thought of not being beautiful was startling to me. It's easier in our or any culture to go with the flow, and in the US, the norm is to want to be a pretty princess, not to be a tough as nails CEO or smart scientist or creative artist.

So what do we do? 

With this war being waged for so long, it feels overwhelming, but here's my take on it: we fight back. Not with weapons, but with words and actions. We get educated, get employed and break the glass ceiling or we raise and support our daughters to do so. We teach our sons about consent. We stand up for our reproductive rights, even if it takes 13 hours of filibustering or 40 days of picketing and call foul when fake science and religious rhetoric are used in place of evidence. We storm the Capital and phone lines and the internet with our presence and make sure that the truth is heard and those in power understand that women are not afraid to fight back.

We create a new normal. 

"I don't want to be a boy"

Those of you who know my family in real life, have probably seen Katelyn's impressive head of hair. Silken curls and waves of gold. She used to have red hair, but now it is more a golden blond. I love her hair. Probably too much. Emotionally invested in it the way I used to be in my own waist length locks.

We have found that the best way to care for her hair is to wash it no more than once per week, use coconut oil in her bath water, spray it with diluted apple cider vinegar to de-tangle and braid it at night or else. The "or else" = massive mats and impossible tangles, which I know hurt to comb out.

Sorry mom, I remember how much it hurt to have my hair brushed as a child. I don't want to hurt her! It literally makes my heart hurt to hear her cry. 

We use a bamboo brush from the Body Shop, as it is the least likely to get caught in her hair. With all of these measures in place, we still have rough mornings. No matter what tools we use, how slow we go or how gentle we are, she cries and screams and won't sit still. I don't blame her. I remember how much this hurts. Sometimes I think that she is adding a bit of dramatic flare, though.

A few months ago we broke down and cut bangs. She was sucking on her hair and it was getting completely tangled and unruly. Think Hermione from Harry Potter. She loved her trip to the salon. We have contemplated getting her hair cut short.

This morning was one of the roughest so far. So, being a huge believer in bodily autonomy, I asked Katelyn: "Would you like to get your hair cut shorter?" Much to my surprise, she started to cry.

She said: "But mommy, I don't want to be a boy. Short hair is for boys."

Where did she learn this? We don't speak about gender a lot at home, unless we are describing anatomy--explaining why Ian has a penis and Katelyn has a vulva or why daddy can't carry a baby in his uterus because he doesn't have one. I have short hair, so does Katelyn's grandma, aunt Amy, etc. and many men we know have long hair, including her Uncle Ken.  We also don't follow many traditional gender roles in our home. My husband was a stay at home dad at one time and holds a position in a primarily female field. In turn, I hold a position in a primarily male field and have been our family's breadwinner.

I responded - "That's not true. Both boys and girls can have long hair or short hair, but we won't cut your hair if you don't want to."

I went on to ask her why she thinks that. She looked so confused. "Because. I can't - I am a girl."

I asked her who told her that and she had no response and again, looked at me like I was a combination of stupid and crazy.

This made my heart hurt. I don't want anyone telling my kid that she can't do something because she is a girl, even if it is only getting her hair cut.

I am sure she heard about this at preschool and this is only the beginning. I know that she will encounter people from all over the world, with all sorts of beliefs about gender roles and what's "proper". I can't control what other people tell her, and I certainly can't stop our culture from reaching her with its terrible messages about what it means to be a girl. I am sure if many of the parents of her classmates knew about the conversations we had in our home or our philosophy regarding gender roles, they wouldn't want their kids to play with mine.

What I can do is reinforce positive messages about being a girl and a woman. Being a girl fucking rocks! (Yes, I said fucking, and I don't care if you don't think it's proper). And being a girl doesn't mean that you have to look, do things or act "like a girl" to rock at being a girl.

I think being a boy, also probably fucking rocks, although I don't have any direct experience in that regard. But that doesn't mean you have to be a walking stereotype to rock at being a boy.

It bothers me when people tell girls - "you can't...get dirty, cut your hair, like bugs, play a sport...because you are a girl." Or "don't be a girl!" when someone is acting scared or doesn't want to do something scary.

It also bothers me when people say - "you can't...paint your nails, wear a skirt, cry, like dolls...because you are a boy". Or "he's just being a boy" when a male child acts violent or destructive or is covered in mud.

My son is wearing a "girl's" shirt

I think gender should not be limiting, considered a "blessing" nor an excuse for bad behavior. And being a girl should not be an insult any more than being a boy should be a way of describing a certain type of child.

No matter what path my son or daughter chooses - short hair, a career in research science, becoming a hockey player...or playing with dolls, taking ballet and becoming a stay at home parent, I will love and support them (I do want them to be able to support themselves financially, too, but that is another blog).

For those critics who say that letting my son wear a dress or paint his nails will result in him being beaten up or bullied, I ask: "Shouldn't I be a part of changing our culture, instead of reinforcing that these things are wrong?" I plan to teach both of my children how to resolve conflict and how to respond to bullies, including when to involve an adult, but I will not tell them not to do something because of their sex or gender.

And if I hear one more person say - "you wouldn't understand, you are not a man, or worse, you are just a girl," I may just kick them in the area that makes them one.

Building a Pallet Garden

So, for a crafty, DIY mom, I can be shockingly anti-Pintrest. I feel like so many projects on Pintrest are not possible by laypeople with kids, jobs, lack of experience, lack of access to specialty equipment...so, I didn't have tremendously high hopes for our weekend pallet garden project. But, as we already had most of the components in our garage - organic top soil, peat moss, fall leaves that didn't get taken to the curb last fall when I was eleventy months pregnant and an old pallet - and I really wanted a herb garden closer to the house, we decided to give it a shot. We just had to buy some landscape fabric and some plants/seeds.

Pallet garden from Pintrest

We decided to do ours "lasagna garden" style, which means that we layered leaves, compost, top soil and peat moss to form the base to grow our plants. We initially were going to plant only herbs, but decided to try some other plants - carrots, greens and beets - to see how they would turn out.

Here are the directions from Pintrest, followed by a pictorial of our project.

From Pintrest: Got Pallets? Hate weeding? Dont feel like turning up a bunch of grass? Use a pallet as a garden bed - staple garden cloth on the backside of the pallet fill with dirt and start growing! You can also place your pallet on the ground in a rocky location rather than a grassy area, this way you will not need the garden cloth to stop the weeds and grass comin through. Please be advised: Use raw wood pallets! Some that are shipped overseas may contain chemicals. 

Hate weeding? Yes! Have Pallets? Yes Don't feel like turning up a bunch of grass? Yes!!

But this sounds too easy. I wonder how hard it will be with no experience and an enthusiastic almost four year old helper?

Supplies:

• Wooden Pallet
  
  

• Landscape Fabric - $9 for a 150 Ft. roll.
• Staple gun - $10 and staples - $3 (we bought a new one - the old fashioned metal kind - as our expensive one is not great at stapling through wood)
  
  
• Planting medium - potting mix or layers for a lasagna garden. We used four bags of organic topsoil ($1.24 for a 40 lb bag), which we already had in the garage, peat moss ($4 for three cubic yards), which we also had left over from our other garden projects, dried leaves (free), compost (free)
• Plants/seeds (we spent $3 on basil plants and dill plants from the farmer's market and then about $3 total on organic seeds with plenty left over for our main garden, boxes or to save for next year).

Directions:

• Lean pallet against your house/garage. Lift with your legs and watch your toes! Pallets are surprisingly heavy! 

• Staple landscape fabric to the bottom and sides of the pallet, pulling it tight and folding under the edges and folding corners like a present.
• Overlap the fabric on the bottom and secure flap with more staples to ensure that it is "sealed" so no dirt escapes.
• Be careful not to staple thumb or fingers.

Look at the beautifully spaced staples and even edges! Type A, anyone?

• The pallet should be open on top and the sides and bottom should be "sealed" with the landscape fabric, like a present with no top, so the soil does not escape.

• Place the pallet where you'd like your garden to stay. This is important, because the pallet is heavy when it is empty and would be impossibly heavy with 100+ lbs of planting medium inside.
  
• We leveled our area first with a hoe.
  
• Don't worry if there's some weeds/grass underneath, as the garden will kill them.

• If you have a helper, you can have them use the planter as a balance beam to ensure that it is level and that they have optimal fun with this project. 

Helper Katy walking on the pallet to test the proper placement

• Fill your pallet with planting medium. We did layers of dead leaves, organic top soil, peat moss, and compost. This is FUN, don't worry if you get soil on the wood, it will wash off.

• Stop and take a video of your adorable daughter throwing peat moss into the pallet.

• Have your helper review your work to ensure that the proper amount of medium is added. Just kidding, there's no wrong way to do this, folks. Be sure to get your hands dirty and have fun.

• Plant bedding plants and sow seeds according to the instructions on the package. Water well.

• Enjoy your accomplishment and pose for a photo shoot.  Let your helper take some photos, too.

Covered in mud

I look like I have a halo in this photo Katy took. Don't worry, it's just a trick of the light.

In total, this project only took about 30 minutes with a preschool-aged helper, including time to act silly, haul the supplies from the garage/car, take photos and clean up. I call this a win!

Easy, Effective Cloth Diaper Care

Caring for cloth diapers is EASY.  I repeat: EASY.  There's a bit of a learning curve, but once you get into a routine, it's actually fun. And easy. And good for baby. And better for the planet. And did I mention easy?

When we decided to cloth diaper, so many people made comments like: 

"I give you a month!"

"It's too hard!"

 "I remember cloth diapering my kids (who are now grown), it was such a pain."

"Your house is going to stink!"

"Ain't nobody got time for that." - kidding. 

So far, I have proven all of the naysayers wrong. I absolutely love cloth diapering. They are cute, easy and better for the planet.  

You might say that I am addicted. We have spent quite a bit of money on our stash, probably a total of $350-400 on diapers for our two kids over the past four years. However, we can generally recoup 50-75% of the new cost when the selling items we are no longer using or don't like like used on diaper swap boards/at a local diaper consignment sale - in total we've probably made $100 back. Besides, that's nothing compared to the cost of disposable diapers.  

I get asked all of the time for cloth diaper troubleshooting tips. After battling yeast and ammonia stink issues when our daughter was in diapers, I tried pretty much every tip and trick for washing and stripping diapers and preventing these issues from returning.

Disclaimers: 

• I have no affiliation with Thirsties©, Fuzzibunz©, Kawaii, Gro-via©, Country Save detergent or Biokleen™ Bac-out, I just love their products.  However, if they want to send me free products, I would not turn them away.

• We have tried several cloth diaper safe and free & clear detergents over the years. There's a great guide to detergents available at pinstripesandpolkadots.com. No matter what we try, we keep returning to Country Save - it's cheap, clean rinsing, effective and safe for the planet. Every time I try something else, we have problems, even if I follow the new company's instructions for soaking/stripping or use for diapers.


• We have a really old top load washer - that may be the key. Not sure how to troubleshoot using a high efficiency or front load model.  We are waiting to get a fancy model once our son is out of diapers.

• We currently use a combination of prefold diapers with PUL (polyester with urethane) covers (we like Thirsties Duo Wraps), one size pocket diapers with microfiber, bamboo and hemp inserts (we like Fuzzibunz One Size Elite and Kawaii One Size Snazzy Minky, Goodnight Heavy Wetter and Mom Label Bamboo pockets the best) and all-in-two hybrids - reusable covers with organic cotton snap-in liners (We have the Grobaby system, which is now called Gro-via).  Most of our troubleshooting relates to pockets and removing build-up from dreaded microfiber inserts. 

• We have pretty hard water and focus on getting our diapers clean first and preventing/treating issues second.

• I would love to start making my own detergent, but that does not fit in my time budget as a full time working mom.

• Not all of my solutions are 100% granola crunchy.  I try to limit the use of chemicals in our home, as I and my kids have extremely sensitive skin, but sometimes bleach is the only thing that works.

Our Washing Routine:

• We use a large wet bag as our diaper pail at home and take a pail liner bag to daycare (they use a small trash can for our pail) every day.

• We don't use any products on our dipes before laundering except for spraying Biokleen Bac-out on poopy diapers. This is a natural enzyme cleaner that kills bacteria, so if you have issues with poopy smelling diapers coming out of your washer/dryer, it is a good product to try. This is also a great product for potty training carpet cleaning and getting cat urine out of carpet.
  
  Note: some people are sensitive to enzymes, if your baby is one of those people, don't use this or add an extra rinse.

• We wash diapers every 2-3 days. We have a fairly large stash, but I find that if our diapers sit longer than this, I have to work harder to battle ammonia issues, and I don't like to work harder. 

• Poopy diapers get rinsed immediately or as soon as we get the wet bag home from day care. We do not have a diaper sprayer, but use the dunk, swish and flush method of rinsing goopy newborn poop and use the plop and swish method of rinsing solid food poop. If you are faint of heart or grossed out by poop, you may want to buy or make a diaper sprayer.

• Overnight pee diapers get rinsed in the morning (when we have time/remember), to reduce ammonia build up. This is extremely important once your little one starts sleeping through the night, as your diapers will sit with urine in them for several hours.

• We wash on hot with a cold rinse and then move the dial back to rinse again on cold. I try to do the extra rinse before the washer's spin cycle starts, but sometimes I: 1. am lazy, 2. forget, 3. don't make it. It's really not a big deal, just a bit of extra energy. If I have used bleach or oxy clean in my main cycle, I run another full wash cycle on cold to ensure that it is all rinsed out of my diapers.
• I use about a half scoop of Country Save detergent on a full load of diapers, less if I have a smaller load. If I start having ammonia issues I start with a quarter scoop and add more if my dipes aren't getting clean.

• I typically wash my diapers on the highest water setting and longest wash setting available.  Fortunately for me, that is one cycle on my machine.

• I typically dry inserts and prefolds in the dryer on medium high heat and line dry my shells and covers on a drying rack. I find that my shells and covers last longer and look nicer when line dried.

• Once per month, I use about 1/4 cup of bleach or 1/2 a scoop of oxygen bleach in my hot wash cycle. I then do an entire cold wash cycle to ensure that all of it is rinsed from the diapers. This has almost eliminated the need for me to strip my diapers and helps remove stains and funky smells.

Easy Diaper Stripping:

Since moving to an area of the country with hard water, we have had to adjust our routine to include occasional (about 3-4 times per year) stripping to remove ammonia build up and keep our clean diapers smelling fresh and our babies' bottoms rash free. Ammonia build up is exacerbated by two things hard water (which we can't get away from) and detergent residue. After having tried about 30 different methods of stripping diapers, including soaking, special stripping detergents, dawn dish soap, and even boiling, we have developed the following routine that works for us.

• Hot water stripping - this is the easiest method available. We turn the water heater up to about 140 degrees about 30 minutes before we strip and wash on hot as normal. Then, we wash on hot with no detergent until there are no suds visible in the water when you open the lid. Sometimes we do this more than once if there are still suds.
  
  Note: Remember to turn your water heater back down again, both to save the planet and any little fingers in your home from getting burned by accident.

• Blue Dawn stripping - If we still have ammonia after a hot water strip, we'll then do a Dawn stripping. We use the original blue Dawn liquid dish soap (not dishwasher soap). It's important to not use any of the versions with a lot of additive or special properties. I have tried to use natural dish soaps like Green and Method, but they don't work as well.  To do a Dawn strip wash your diapers as normal.  After the rinse cycle is complete (but before the spin if you want), set your washer back to wash and wash on hot with a squirt of Dawn. Then rinse, rinse, rinse, rinse until you see no suds. 

Prevention:

• After we get rid of ammonia, we use 1/4 cup of bleach about once a month in our wash cycle to help preventing it from coming back. I hate using it, but it really works and it is cheap.

• If ammonia comes back, I reduce the amount of detergent I am using and start rinsing the diapers on warm instead of hot, as I think warm does a better job of getting detergent out.  

Happy diapering!