Letter to Myself, to Everyone

There is a song by Alanis Morissette called That I Would be Good. The narrator sings about her hopes. Her hopes that she will be "good" even if she does nothing, gets sick, gains weight, goes bankrupt, grows old, gets overwhelmed, gets angry, goes insane, loses her love...you get the point. Her song really resonates with me. I am constantly telling other people that they are good, regardless of their perceived faults (gaining or not losing weight, missing a work-out, breastfeeding issues, getting angry and losing it, making mistakes) while at the same time being a total hypocrite and beating myself up over the same things that are presumably not determinants of whether or not I am a "good" person.

Today I told my friend who is in training to be a lactation consultant that I had to stop breastfeeding my son. Without missing a beat she said, "Good work, mama!" I actually cried. And I thought to myself that no one in my life had said those words to me. People have either ignored it, because they disapprove, expressed condolences because they know I am disappointed or ask why I didn't just switch to formula sooner. That I breastfed my kids as long as I could is awesome. That I had to stop does not make that less awesome.

She went on to say - "How come if a mom has glasses, nobody judges her for not using her eyes properly, but if she has a hard time nursing and isn't able to nurse the "optimal" length of time, we all want to tell her how her *behavior* or *mental state* was the problem? Guess what, people, boobs don't necessarily work perfectly any more than any other body part does." 

I had never thought about it that way. But, she is right. And I am so glad that someone like her is going to help women breastfeed!

And breastfeeding and parenthood are only some of the ways I beat myself up. My weight, my hair, my skin, my temper, my bra size, my stretch marks, etc. I spend so much of my life thinking that these arbitrary measures of "good" really matter. They really don't. So here's my letter, to myself and everyone really.

Dear Badass Warrior Goddess,  

Can I just say how much you rock? Because, you do!

You have grown two human beings in that body you frequently hate. You grew humans. That is fucking badass. So cut yourself some slack on losing the "baby weight" and stop hating your new shape. Throw away your scale or break it with a baseball bat. Bask in how amazing you are and how amazing your body is. Teach your children to do the same by example.

And you are raising your kids to be kind. And confident. And to love themselves. And have dance parties in the living room. And bake cookies. And do for themselves. And think for themselves. You have an awesome approach to parenting and your kids are thriving. Fuck yeah.

 

You are strong. Your body can do things that you never imagined and your resolve and inner strength are amazing. You have endured and not just survived, but thrived, when faced with challenges. And, you are constantly looking for the next mountain to climb and do things that terrify you. Whether you know it or not, that is pretty awesome.

 

You are kind. You spend every day building people up, providing support and helping others grow. You always have something nice to say to someone when they are having a hard time, even if you don't like them personally. It's time to start saying nice things to yourself, too. 

You are awesome at your job. And should know that someday your daughter may be inspired by that - inspired to choose a nontraditional path - and she won't feel limited by her gender, but empowered because of the example that you set for her. You are a warrior. You fight for what you believe in and for what's right and work to make positive change at home, at work, in your community and in the world. You are teaching your kids to do the same.

You are funny. Your sense of humor, while dry and sarcastic, doesn't only help you get through the day, but it also does the same for others.

You are a good partner. You have been married for almost nine years and have weathered a lot of storms together. That's awesome. Go you.

Finally, you ARE good and good enough, no matter what. 

You are actually better than good. You are awesome, strong, badass, kind, funny, a great manager, a great cook and the most important person in at least three people's lives. Tell yourself that every day.

Love you,

Self